Standing on the edge of a crush of chattering, eager people, I
Drank a glass of prosecco and tried to appear detached
Or lost in thought
When I was actually something between uncomfortable
And bored.
Small talk is tedious enough, but excruciating at high volume and heat.
Someone approached me to introduce himself, as we had met before but
Don't we all struggle at times to place a name with a face in
A crushing crowd in a stifling bar?
I was astonished to find myself rescued, led away to a discreet, cool corner
To talk, to meet new people, to drink more prosecco, enough to spark
A buzz and guarantee a nagging headache the next morning but
I didn't care a whit when the conversation took an unexpected,
Dazzling,
Startling turn.
Yes, I was dazzled by this person who appeared out of nowhere and
Apparently had been right there on the edges
Of my life, all but unnoticed by me, by often myopic me.
It was what he said, and how he said it, with a preface of
Self-effacement, but with an undercurrent of confidence,
And the fact that nobody in their right mind ever says such things,
At least not to me.
Me, not only myopic at times, but fairly skeptical after
So many disappointments, and unused to
Hearing anything resembling a compliment.
Or a declaration.
If my mind had not been fuzzy from the wine (how many glasses had I consumed?)
And the room not been so warm
And my romantic past not been such an endless stretch of empty sandlots
I might not have been so taken aback, so startled, so
Dazzled by things he said,
Deep things, thoughtful things,
Declarations of honest feelings.
I have so rarely heard honest feelings that they stun me into a state which must appear like aloof cynicism to others.
For, apparently, this man had been observing me,
And did not, as the countless men who had come before him
(So many that I have lost count and in fact cannot recall even their names or the shapes of their faces)
Simply found what they observed to be of no consequence.
Apparently, this man had noticed something else, something within.
Within me.
Yes, there were more and more people around us, even close friends and enemies of mine, yet
I did not really notice them, and
They did not see me for some reason.
I was concealed, not by a wall or a curtain but
By this suddenly unearthed force that I
Could neither describe nor understand nor control.
As you might imagine, all the lofty talk sprung from this
Long-buried force turned earthy itself and
I could feel his arm around me, his hip brushing mine, and
It felt natural, as something I had known for a long time, although
It was utterly new and bracing and unfamiliar as well.
I leaned my face close to his to press for a kiss but he wisely declined,
As there were so many eyes around us, and he knew that they might be on us,
Although I was blind to them.
Soon, we were leaving, how and when and why I don't remember, and not saying
Goodbye to anyone, or saying anything at all, and gone into the night, where
We found a quiet place to talk and to kiss and to touch each other's skin, and
There seemed to be promises of more, so much more, that I was, yes, dazzled, but
Then there more, something cloudy, things I didn't really understand.
Once again, I had let myself be caught off guard and swept to the top of a wave, only
To crash down, my nose and mouth and lungs filling with salty water.
I was angry, I was hurt, I was confused, and yet, I knew there was something to this.
I didn't really believe that his words were just drunk words, crazy words, impulsive words.
I couldn't believe that. They had too much force and power.
I stumbled home, upset and angry and hungry, hungry for more than food, and
In the dark, I simply cursed into the still air, but I realized to my surprise that
I wasn't crying.
He had not made me cry.
And I slept, shutting my phone off.
I couldn't think about the lost words,
The fading touches,
The kisses disappearing so rapidly.
Sleep wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket and I fell deeply into a strange dream.
I walked through a maze of buildings and alleyways
Made of brick and stone and concrete and glass.
Some of them seemed familiar, yet they were placed on
Terrain I had not walked before, steep hills and winding valleys.
I approached one of these buildings, a place where I felt I had been before,
Where I belonged,
Where people would welcome me,
And I saw him inside,
Through a sheet of glass.
He looked at me, and his eyes seemed to pull me closer to him, to kiss him once again, but
The glass would not open,
Would not yield.
We would be separated by it
Until we found some way to shatter it and
To step through the entrance and
Fall into each other again.
I awoke suddenly, stunned that the man had actually walked into my dreams and
Made his presence known in my deepest places.
Switching my phone on, I read his messages from the night before, and
Realized that there was indeed a sheet of glass between us, and
That it would stay in its frame for now, for
Only he had the power and placement to break it.
For now.
Drank a glass of prosecco and tried to appear detached
Or lost in thought
When I was actually something between uncomfortable
And bored.
Small talk is tedious enough, but excruciating at high volume and heat.
Someone approached me to introduce himself, as we had met before but
Don't we all struggle at times to place a name with a face in
A crushing crowd in a stifling bar?
I was astonished to find myself rescued, led away to a discreet, cool corner
To talk, to meet new people, to drink more prosecco, enough to spark
A buzz and guarantee a nagging headache the next morning but
I didn't care a whit when the conversation took an unexpected,
Dazzling,
Startling turn.
Yes, I was dazzled by this person who appeared out of nowhere and
Apparently had been right there on the edges
Of my life, all but unnoticed by me, by often myopic me.
It was what he said, and how he said it, with a preface of
Self-effacement, but with an undercurrent of confidence,
And the fact that nobody in their right mind ever says such things,
At least not to me.
Me, not only myopic at times, but fairly skeptical after
So many disappointments, and unused to
Hearing anything resembling a compliment.
Or a declaration.
If my mind had not been fuzzy from the wine (how many glasses had I consumed?)
And the room not been so warm
And my romantic past not been such an endless stretch of empty sandlots
I might not have been so taken aback, so startled, so
Dazzled by things he said,
Deep things, thoughtful things,
Declarations of honest feelings.
I have so rarely heard honest feelings that they stun me into a state which must appear like aloof cynicism to others.
For, apparently, this man had been observing me,
And did not, as the countless men who had come before him
(So many that I have lost count and in fact cannot recall even their names or the shapes of their faces)
Simply found what they observed to be of no consequence.
Apparently, this man had noticed something else, something within.
Within me.
Yes, there were more and more people around us, even close friends and enemies of mine, yet
I did not really notice them, and
They did not see me for some reason.
I was concealed, not by a wall or a curtain but
By this suddenly unearthed force that I
Could neither describe nor understand nor control.
As you might imagine, all the lofty talk sprung from this
Long-buried force turned earthy itself and
I could feel his arm around me, his hip brushing mine, and
It felt natural, as something I had known for a long time, although
It was utterly new and bracing and unfamiliar as well.
I leaned my face close to his to press for a kiss but he wisely declined,
As there were so many eyes around us, and he knew that they might be on us,
Although I was blind to them.
Soon, we were leaving, how and when and why I don't remember, and not saying
Goodbye to anyone, or saying anything at all, and gone into the night, where
We found a quiet place to talk and to kiss and to touch each other's skin, and
There seemed to be promises of more, so much more, that I was, yes, dazzled, but
Then there more, something cloudy, things I didn't really understand.
Once again, I had let myself be caught off guard and swept to the top of a wave, only
To crash down, my nose and mouth and lungs filling with salty water.
I was angry, I was hurt, I was confused, and yet, I knew there was something to this.
I didn't really believe that his words were just drunk words, crazy words, impulsive words.
I couldn't believe that. They had too much force and power.
I stumbled home, upset and angry and hungry, hungry for more than food, and
In the dark, I simply cursed into the still air, but I realized to my surprise that
I wasn't crying.
He had not made me cry.
And I slept, shutting my phone off.
I couldn't think about the lost words,
The fading touches,
The kisses disappearing so rapidly.
Sleep wrapped itself around me like a warm blanket and I fell deeply into a strange dream.
I walked through a maze of buildings and alleyways
Made of brick and stone and concrete and glass.
Some of them seemed familiar, yet they were placed on
Terrain I had not walked before, steep hills and winding valleys.
I approached one of these buildings, a place where I felt I had been before,
Where I belonged,
Where people would welcome me,
And I saw him inside,
Through a sheet of glass.
He looked at me, and his eyes seemed to pull me closer to him, to kiss him once again, but
The glass would not open,
Would not yield.
We would be separated by it
Until we found some way to shatter it and
To step through the entrance and
Fall into each other again.
I awoke suddenly, stunned that the man had actually walked into my dreams and
Made his presence known in my deepest places.
Switching my phone on, I read his messages from the night before, and
Realized that there was indeed a sheet of glass between us, and
That it would stay in its frame for now, for
Only he had the power and placement to break it.
For now.
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